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POLITICAL HUMOR
RealStupidNews Official
Newsletter
01/01/04 JotEmDown,
GA
Planet Earth has just passed through that region of
space which each
year elicits semi-fictional nostalgia towards the
past and purely fictional optimism towards the future, resulting
in the dreaded New Year's Resolution, that semi-serious whispered vow
that's half hope and half guilt.
Recognizing our profound stupidity and total lack of
willpower, we at RealStupidNews have been practicing the
'Retrospective Resolution' for several years now, with a success rate
approaching 100%!
The RealStupid one's Retrospective New Years
Resolutions for 2004:
1. I will only drink seven and a half beers on
New Year's Eve. (Success! That's exactly how many beers I drank last
night, as there were precisely four and a half Amstel Lights left out of
that twelve pack for this morning.)
2. I will NOT gain twelve pounds between Thanksgiving and
New Year's Day. (Success again! I only gained eleven pounds, all of them
concentrated directly below my belly button.)
3. I will spend more time gazing out the window in 2003.
(Success! That was my favorite activity last year, second in terms of
volume only to sleeping. You can see the view at www.rebelholler.com.)
4. I will plug my websites gratuitously, nurturing
media synergy like all those pigs in the mainstream media. (Partial
success, I'm working on it. There is also a darling photo of my new litter
of irresistable Christmas puppies at www.rebelholler.com. Pups available
Feb. 1.)
5. I will use my cheap new digital camera more. (Success!
See above.)
Without further ado, owing to a critical ado shortage here
this morning, here's your first RealStupid Newsletter of 2004:
REALSTUPIDNEWS.COM'S PEOPLE OF THE YEAR, 2003
12/31/03 JOTEMDOWN, Georgia Looking back, and looking forward, we choose to honor seven astronauts from planet Earth and a high school student from South Carolina. Our RealStupidNews People of the Year are: The space shuttle Columbia astronauts, Rick Husband, William McCool, Michael Anderson, Kalpana Chawla, David Brown, Laurel Clark, and Ilan Ramon, who sacrificed their lives for science in the skies above east Texas, because they were willing to fail, and to fall. Cross country runner Ben Coman, May we learn from how they fell, and why. ©2003 RealStupidNews.com REPUBLICANS NOMINATE HOWARD DEAN Democrat frontrunner Howard Dean has been unofficially nominated as that party's 2004 presidential candidate by a special preliminary strategy session of the Republican National Convention. "Pleeeeeeeeease nominate Dean, pretty pretty pretty pleeeeeease, with lots of sugar on top!" read an official press release posted at the Republican National Committee's website last night. Conservative patriarch William F. Buckley, reached at his National Review offices, leaned way, way back in his chair, put the tip of his eyeglasses to his mouth, and said, "The gravaman of our response to the exigency in which we find ourselves runs thus: we dare you. We double dog dare you, dear sirs. We double-triple-quadruple blind three-legged dog dare you, with all due apologies for the colloquialisms, to put forward Mr. Dr. Governor Howard Dean McGovern as your esteemed candidate for president." (RealStory @ nationalreview.com) The Dean campaign, which had earlier accepted an endorsement from Al Gore, gladly accepted the RNC's support. Dean spokesman and campaign manager Joe "Trippy Joe" Trippi accepted that support in an appearance Sunday on NBC's Meet the Press with Tim Russert. "It's cool with us, man," Trippi told Russert. "We want two million people to give us a hundred bucks each, and we don't care if it comes from Al Gore or Al Capone, or Aljazeera for that matter. (RealStory @ deanforamerica.com) "We want a new president, and a new political system," Trippy Joe continued. "We don't need corrupt money from corporations and unions. We're using the Internet to get it directly from the people." Dean has been on the defensive ever since he established himself as the frontrunner and immediately came under withering fire from his fellow Democrats, who want to paint him as too liberal and idealistic to be nominated. At a recent rehearsal for a "Hair"-inspired extravaganza planned for the Democratic National Convention in Los Angeles, Dean responded to a flurry of criticism in characteristic 'shoot from the lip' style. Questioned over his commitment to national security and his opposition to the war in Iraq, Dean responded firmly, "As president, I would pledge to do everything in my power to protect the American people. Just as long as the UN gives me permission." Concerning his downplaying of the capture of Saddam Hussein, Dean repeated, "I don't see how the demise of an evil maniacal multibillionaire dictator bent on our destruction makes us one bit safer." And cornered over a series of gaffes related to his and his party's foreign relations acumen, Dean insisted, "It is because of the foreign policy strength of Democrats like me that to this day the USSR does not dominate Prussia." In hopes of soliciting enough anonymous $100 campaign contributions to ensure the nomination of Dean, the Republican National Committee will hold a benefit auction this New Year's Eve that includes some novel pledges by some very prominent conservatives. The following is a partial list of items to be auctioned at the RNC's "Governor McDean for McPresident" celebrity gala: Read The Oinky Boinky Machine--a fable where Yorgius/Bush leads an army of vampire pigs who inhabit a killer machine that--no, wait, that's just the news... Read Those Arkansaw Bumkins or, A Gremlin In His Goober - the web's most wicked Clinton satire, by Dick M. ©2003 RealStupidNews.com |
POPE SCREENS MEL GIBSON'S 'THE PASSION,' GIVES IT TWO WIGGLY THUMBS UP
12/17/03 THE VATICAN
In the simple yet elegant language that has often marked the pontiff's public statements, John Paul told a confidante who joined him in viewing Gibson's portrayal, "It is as it was." (RealStory @ opinionjournal.com) By in essence blessing the content of the movie, John Paul has squelched much of the controversy surrounding the release of The Passion. Critics had lambasted Gibson for allegedly distorting the biblical record and for promoting anti-Semitism; both charges are effectively refuted in the brief papal response, which was reportedly accompanied by "two wiggly thumbs up." Those wiggly thumbs up may have been the most consequential movie review ever. Our RealStupid reporter managed to reach the Pope yesterday evening through a mutual friend, a jolly modern day Saint who is presently cooperating with an unrelated RealStupid investigation. The following transcript was taken verbatim this afternoon beginning at 2:23pm EST: RSN: Thank you for taking a moment to speak to our RealStupid readers, Holy Father. Let me start with some breaking news. A Catholic cardinal has just come out forcefully condemning the United States for humiliating Saddam Hussein by releasing videotape of the dictator having his head checked for lice. What do you think about the morality of this public lice-check? JPII: His head was still attached, yes? RSN: I see your point, your holiness. Now to the film. In response to the controversy surrounding The Passion of Christ, you made an exquisitely simple and disarming statement: 'It is as it was.' Can you perhaps elaborate on that, and more specifically, might you tell us whom you believe to be ultimately responsible for the crucifixion of Christ? The Romans? The Jews? Pilate? JPII: Ultimately? (pause) All of us. RSN: Beautifully put. That gives us a lot to think about this Christmas. But aren't there other issues of profound consequence being nailed to the church door these days? For instance, would you like to make a statement on the decision by the Church of England to admit homosexuals into the clergy? JPII: Ah, wrong church. RSN: But surely as the leader of the largest and most influential body in Christendom, you have an opinion on the direction the Anglicans have taken, don't you? JPII: (pause) The Church is wrong. RSN: With all due respect, and please forgive me for bringing this up, but could you just say a few words about the pedophile priest scandal in the American Catholic Church? JPII: (pause) The Christ child weeps. RSN: That's beautiful. Poetic. I find it fascinating that you began your career as a playwright, and an actor. Have you ever regretted leaving the world of the theater? JPII: (chuckles) Did I? RSN: I see what you mean. Just one last question, if I may, your eminence. Many believe that the role of the journalist is a modern day version of the ancient prophets and seers. Is there any advice you might give to journalists like myself? JPII: Speak less. Listen more. RSN: (pause) Thank you. I...uh, thank you. Happy Hollerdays, --- Preston Coleman
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